Session 6 Reflection paper on Persona vs. Shadow

We have spent the past few sessions talking about persona vs. shadow.  Everyone harbors secrets/shadow and as a pastoral counselor, it is our job to help people bring their secrets (conscious or subconscious);  their shadow side out into the light.  We learned that in the gospel of Thomas (one of the books that did not make its way into the bible) lies a biblical mandate for counselors: ‘If you do not bring out what is within you, it will destroy you.  If you do bring out what is within you, it will heal you.’  I believe these were the words of Christ.

I like to think that my persona is that of a compassionate, caring, positive, and enthusiastic person.  I am a seeker of truth, a hospice nurse, a bereavement counselor, healer, mother, daughter, wife, aunt, sister, and friend.  My shadow/secret is my fear of depression, fear of making a mistake, fear of judgement from others, fear of being seen as or feeling stupid or inadequate.  It was these very fears that were at the root  the clinical depressions I struggled through during my forties.  Mental illness is not something one brags about.  Another life long fear I once had was that people would think I was crazy.

My father was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when he was in his forties.  I have never seen anyone suffer as much as my father did over the next forty years of his life.  His death was the only relief from his suffering.  When I began experiencing symptoms of this often crippling disorder, it literally brought me to my knees.  Because I was resistant to medication and found little help from psychotherapy, I decided to become my own therapist by getting a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology.  Every paper I wrote was about myself with my most healing paper entitle, “Depression and the power of prayer”: a 25 page paper for my course on Brain function.

Perhaps the reason I love Mark and Bob’s image of the boat either being in the bay/inlet or the ocean, is from my own personal experience of clinical depression.  I have always said that as much as I loathe depression and avoid it like the plague, it has been my greatest teacher.  I know all too well what despair feels like; to be in my boat during the storm, all by myself, in that vast, turbulent ocean.  I also know what it feels like to feel safe and confident in the inlet one minute; feeling euphoric, knowing the meaning of my life and my calling to minister to others; that feeling of being able to do or be anything I choose…..only to be thrust into the ocean with my boat capsizing and being left to sink or swim.  I have become a superb swimmer and have learned that my life depends on the care of my soul!  (another reflection paper)

When I share my experience of depression with others it is amazing how much freer they are to open up about their experience of depression.  It is as though I have given them the freedom to be heard and understood, without judgement.  As Bernie Siegel says, “You don’t send an able bodied person to walk in and tell a paraplegic what his options are……..you send in someone in a wheel chair”.  Unless you have walked in someone else’s shoes or have had a similar experience, you do not know what they are experiencing.  It is a comfort to us all to know that we are not the only boat at sea.  Blessings to everyone as you journey through this life; may you have the courage to bring forward that which lies within……..

Reflection Paper from session 5…..RITUAL

During our discussion around grief in session 5, it was concluded that 3 of the most important things to consider are story, imagination and ritual.  What immediately came to my mind was the ‘green funeral’ that I had the privilege of taking a small part in several years ago.

For convenience sake I will name the person dying, Mary and her life partner of 25 years, Sally.  Mary had a very strong spiritual life and her final days were filled with the sound of taped chantings from her guru.  I saw Mary 24 hours after she had died and was privileged to sit vigil with her body which had been done by friends and family who had gathered since her death.  Her body had not been left alone for one minute since her passing.  It was fall so fortunately the weather was cool and there was no odor what so ever.

To my astonishment, Mary’s body was supple and glowing.  I found myself compelled to check her pulse to make sure she was really dead.  Even after 24 hours from the time she was pronounced, she appeared only to be sleeping.  There were 7 of us women who prepared her body for the simple biodegradable pine box that she would be buried in.  We chanted while we anointed her body with oils.  Sally lovingly placed rose pedals from Mary’s head to her pelvis before we wrapped her ever so gently and lovingly in a swath of material.  We turned her side to side until her body was completely covered from head to toe in this material.  There was so much love and reverence during this entire ritual and I felt so honored to be part of it.  There was no funeral home involved.  Sally rented a van and drove Mary to the cemetery for the grave side funeral.

Having that extra time for Sally to care for her beloved in their home and have the memory of how she laid Mary to rest had to have been an enormous comfort to her during her journey through grief.  For me, it was a profound experience that I shall always treasure and I am forever grateful to Sally for allowing me to take part in such a sacred ritual.  Blessings to all…….

Session 4 pastoral counseling training; “The Beginning of the End”

My mother, age 86, visited me recently after her first fall.  As a nurse, I am all too aware that as people age it is the dreaded fall that often leads to one’s demise.  Over the years, my mothers’ appetite has declined significantly and she has become extremely frail.  She was fortunate that she had no serious broken bones from her first fall, but it definitely took its toll on her.  Her balance is poor and she is clearly another accident waiting to happen.

Within minutes of my mother arriving at my home (she lives in Florida) she fell when I left her side for a split second to turn on the light.  Seeing my mother on the floor, looking as helpless as a bird with a broken wing, tore my heart out!  It was I who was injured (psychologically), not her, fortunately.  For weeks that image has haunted me.  I feel certain that this was her final visit to my home.

For years every time I have ministered to a dying elderly woman I somehow try to prepare myself for my own mothers’ death.  My mother and I are extremely close.  We talk on the phone several times a week, although that has become a challenge as she has less and less to say and her interest in whats going on in my life is waning.

I have found myself somewhat self absorbed with my own aging process.  Every time I am in the presence of someone with a crippling disease such as end stage ALS, Parkinsons, MS or Huntingtons’ Disease, I picture myself trapped in my own body trying to fathom what that is like; not to be able to speak or move my body.  I have witnessed far too many atrosities and so much suffering in my forty years of nursing and I think it is beginning to take its toll.  The good news is that it helps me to be ever so grateful for what most people take for granted like the gift of sight, the ability to walk and talk; pretty much life itself.  It just overwhelms me at times to witness what the human body must endure.  I continue my search for the meaning of suffering and pray that i will have the Grace to embrace/endure whatever my destiny has in store for me.  Blessing to you all and may you always be in gratitude.

Reflection paper #3 pastoral training program

As we learned in the first session, we recall images better than thought.  One of Dr. McKinnley’s favorite image is that of a small boat in the bay verses the ocean.  The small boat in the bay feels secure in its protected, calm environment.  The shore line can be seen with other boats close by and the waters are calm and predictable.  This is a representation of ourselves during our younger years when hopefully our needs are met and we feel cared for.  As we get older and go out into the world, we find ourselves still in the small boat but now in a vast ocean often with no land in sight and no other boats.  Something happens for most people in life for them to realize that being in the calm waters of the bay is not what life is really like.  When an event such as loss of a job, divorce, or death occurs, we find ourselves in this tiny boat afloat in a turbulent ocean, often feeling alone and swept away by the waves and wind.  Our jobs as counselors, as well as a compassionate friend or relative, is to be another boat in the vast ocean that comes along to lend a helping hand: to say ‘hang on’….The key, of course, is to not jump into someone else’s boat in an attempt to save them, but instead to reassure them that they are not alone.  We are all small boats in a large ocean.  At different times in our lives the waters are more turbulent than others.  The waters can be calm in one moment, and turbulent in the next.  We have a tendency to look around our immediate environment assuming everyone around us is in the inlet, safe and secure, when probably more times than not, they too are floundering in their own small boat on that vast turbulent ocean.

Our instructor for session 3 was Bob Henderson who took the boat image to a new level.  Bob describes the ego as the boat.  You might wake up one day feeling in control of your life: that you can do anything you set your mind to.   Perhaps your boat has been in a small, safe, predictable world.  One day something happens to you, like losing a loved one , and you find yourself in that small boat now in a massive ocean where everything has changed.  The wind is blowing and you can no longer control your boat.  You discover something about ego when you hit the ocean.  Rather than knowing everything: you find yourself knowing nothing.  The ego gets stronger because it finds a way to get through the storm.  When we help the ego get stronger, a person gets to know themselves in a different way.  They realize they have strength and coping skills they might never have known they had.  Before this storm, they may never have known anything about themselves or their boat.  They may need to learn who they are and what their capacities are.  In grief work, I find this spot on, especially for those who lose a spouse.  Whether we spend 2 years or 62 years with a life partner, we have a tendency to create our identity around that person.  Often we take their roles in the relationship for granted.  One of the men in my grief group continues to struggle 2 years after his wife’s death with the burdensome choirs of cooking and cleaning the house.  His wife had always made these choirs seem so effortless.  I believe he still feels some guilt around not honoring all that she brought to the relationship that he had just taken for granted.  We all have something to learn from the devastation of grief and top among them is to not take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted.  We all need to learn to be in gratitude for that which we have as it is all very temporary.  Only the things that concern the soul are eternal.

In closing our 3rd session with Bob, we learned that to reach out for help needs to be taught as a strength; not a weakness.  Our culture has a tendency to see asking for help as a weakness which is not true.  It takes amazing strength to walk through the doors of a grief group for the very first time or to pick up the phone and ask for help.  I applaud each and every person who has the strength to do that.  It is so helpful for grieving people who come to a group to see that there are other boats in the ocean with them.  They are not alone.  They might not be able to see the shore line, but at least they know there are other boats beside them weathering a similar storm.  Blessings to you all whether your boat is in the bay or the ocean: turbulent or calm; know that you are never alone!

First Reflection paper for Pastoral Counseling Training Program

It wasn’t until our first session of the Pastoral Counseling Training Program that I realized how spiritually depleted I have been feeling over the past few months/years perhaps.  During the precious 2 hour introductions from the class participants, I became very aware of the need I had for spiritual food.  When I walked away from our first session I felt as though I had just left a divine banquet.  My soul felt spiritually fed and my cup truly runneth over.

The feast began with ‘appetizers’ which consisted of priceless nuggets of love, faith and wisdom shared by students and teachers alike as we introduced ourselves and explained what brought us to this training.  The main theme that was set at the very first session; that there is no distinction between teacher and student, as we are all equally both.  Some of my favorite nuggets were as follows:

“my tears mingle with yours”

“Singleness of purpose is to deliver my gift with Grace”

“love covers a mountain of sins”

“walk with people in love’

“Be the hands and feet of Christ”

“If I am not in service , I am in self”

“so many ways to show the love of Jesus”

“ushering them to safety”

“we do not want to hinder people from walking into their destiny”

“The four things that create balance in our lives is work, play, intimacy, and spirituality.”

“All of us have sinned by the Grace of His Glory in an effort to bring people to the cross””

“Preach the gospel at all times: use words whenever possible”

“why God has asked me here”

“I know why I sit here today”

“I am a miracle because I shouldn’t be here today…it is only by the Grace of God that I AM here today”

“Hallelujah!  We have all been anointed to be here today!”

“Go to the temple of the people in this room”

As I wrote in my previous blog posting, the ‘main course of this divine banquet’ was the story I told in last weeks’ posting about the courageous man who was a drug dealer and spent 10 years of his life in prison before becoming a pastor.  I invite you to revisit my previous posting to refresh your memory of this soulful story of one man’s journey and I apologize for any repetition from the last posting to this one.

For dessert, we received the story of a faculty member who had just returned from a two month stay in a remote village in the center of Africa with the Peace Corps.  Because images are easier to recall than thoughts, we closed with the image of his first evening sitting on the dirt floor of the mud hut with the grass roof.  Before eating the supper of flour and water, a native came around to each person with a basin and a pitcher of water.  Warm water. The image of his hands cupped together, receiving this warm water to wash his hands not only made him feel welcomed and safe: he experienced an overwhelming experience of the hospitality and grace that is so lacking in our culture.  It put him in touch with the awareness that he has a soul!

I left this divine banquet not only feeling spiritually fed, but also full of gratitude, grace, and humbleness.  What a Blessing indeed!

Pastoral Counseling Training Program

I am presently enrolled in a 10 week Pastoral Counseling Training program in Hartford, Ct.  During our first session last week, we spent 2 hours with introductions.  We are a diverse class of 30.  Primarily, the group consists of ministers/pastors and social workers with a few nurses and a medium thrown into the mix.

As I listened to each person in the group share a piece of who they are and what brings them to this training, I realized how spiritually depleted I have been feeling over the past few months/years perhaps.  I just soaked up every molecule of shared human experience.  There was a sense of oneness and divine reverence that permeated the room.  One mans’ journey in particular moved me to tears.  This man graciously and courageously shared that his parents were drug addicts so he was raised by his grandmother.  At the age of 13 his grandmother died.  From the age of 13-21 he was a crack dealer until he went to prison for 10 years.  It was in prison that he ‘found The Lord’ and is now a minister who feels he is only here by the ‘Grace of God’.  When he spoke of the time he had a gun in his mouth and when the trigger was pulled yet the gun did not fire, he attributed this to his grandmothers protection through her faith and prayers.  When I say that I felt an overwhelming sense of privilege to be sitting at the same table with this man, I mean that with every fiber of my being.  Words cannot do justice expressing how honored I felt to be witness to a piece of this mans’ journey.

The human spirit amazes me on a daily basis; the trials and tribulations that we all face on this earth walk are just astounding.  I walked away from that first 3 hour class feeling spiritually fed, renewed and overwhelmed with love and grace.  We will be writing reflection papers weekly that with the classes permission I am hoping to share here.  I thank D.H. for his permission for me to share his story.  Blessings to all!

Book Reading from ‘The Miracle of Hospice’ at Gaylord Memorial Library

August 22, 2013, I will be doing a book reading at Gaylord Library at 6:30pm. Gaylord Library is located at 47 College Street in South Hadley, Ma. Look forward to seeing you! Blessings to you all from Cathy Truehart

Helping people with Dementia grieve

I recently needed to counsel a family member who’s mother had just died less than a week ago.  He was seeking counsel on how to deal with his father’s grief.   His father has dementia.  I will refer to the son as Joe for convenience sake.  Joe had spoken with our social worker and asked that I call him.  I realized that I really don’t have much experience in this area of grief .   I turned to the internet only to find that most of the information on dementia and grief is geared toward grieving the personal losses which result from loss of memory as opposed to loss of a loved one.

My daughter helped me find a blog written by Beth Patterson who has a private practice in Denver, Colorado.  I found her post entitled “Helping the Person with Dementia Grieve After the Death of a Loved One” most helpful.  With Beth’ permission I would like to share her blog for those interested in this topic: http://www.bethspatterson.com  Between Beth’s post, a talk with Pam Atwood who runs the the Dementia Care Program at another Hospice and an article by Melanie Bunn entitled “Sharing Bad News”, I felt prepared enough to make a call to Joe to discuss ways to help his father express his grief.  I have compiled notes from my 3 sources that might be helpful.

* Learning their language and sense of reality is important in helping them grieve.

*Only tell them once and assure them that both he and his wife are fin

*If he continues to ask “Where is Mary?”, ask ‘where do you think she is?’

*Explore the age the person believes he is in order to gauge what memories they have.

*Redirect the person from thinking to feeling because the Dementia person lives in feeling rather than thinking world.

*If he asks if she is dead, reply yes and she is OK  and inquire “what does it feel like to you that Mary is not here?”

*Prayer can be helpful and show him pictures of his wife.

*Art work can be a powerful way for the person to express feelings of loss.

*Play a favorite song that may elicit feelings and memories which may be a form of comfort

*Reach and communicate with spiritual essence either by touch , life review, music, art, nature.

*Remind them they are safe to feel their loss and that is OK.

*Assess where the person has regressed to in his cognitive development.

*Let him know he is safe and loved.  Validate feelings by listening.

*Meet him where he is and validate pain rather than trying to take it away.

*After they have been told once that their loved one has died it is OK to say the person is away and that she is safe.

*Don’t repeat the fact that she is dead – redirect to the feelings.  Ask about best memories of her.

*Life review with photos and reminiscing is helpful for everyone.  Let him express feelings of missing her.  Put feeling into words, “I miss her too”.

*Sense of fear associated with not understanding reason for sadness may be worse than the grief associated with the loss.

*They will notice the change in routine and behavioral changes may occur.

*Remain aware of person’s possible response to the grief surrounding them and address as necessary.

*They are in the here and now.

*Avoid large groups of mourners coming together.

*Simple is best.

*Best to modify or simplify rituals to make them more manageable for example private visitation, perhaps attending funeral but not burial, local service rather than travel.

*Use empathetic communication for example: looks like, sounds like, seems like.

*The biggest question is whether or not to keep telling the person that their loved one has died over and over.  The important thing is that what ever the decision is, it must be agreed upon by entire family so everyone is on the same page.  Therapeutic fibbing would be that once the person has been told, create an answer for all the subsequent inquiries.

Two books that were recommended to me were, “Hiding The Stranger in the Mirror” by Cameron Camp and “Learning to Speak Alzheimers” by JoAnn Koenig-Coste.  I have also heard that “Still Alice” and “The Longest Good-bye” are very good as well.

Would love to hear from anyone who might be able to add to this list.  Blessings to you all.

Book Reading on Thursday night at 7pm in Easthampton, ma.

I will doing my first reading at White Square Book store on the 27th of June.  I am excited to be around such an amazing collection of books.  The store is located at 88 Cottage Street, not far from Nini’s restaurant.  Look forward to seeing at 7pm. Blessings to you all!

The Human Experience of Love and Loss

I recently had the privilege of reading Janice Beetle’s book,”Divine Renovations.”  This book is a candid account of one woman’s journey finding her soul mate and her experience of love and loss.  Janice, a local author like myself, is a gifted writer who has the ability to escort her readers right to the very depths of her soul.  I could not put this book down!  Many tears later, I walked away, not only with a sincere reverence for Janice’s journey through love and loss, but a renewed appreciation for my husband and our relationship.  Though a freshly grieving person might find this a difficult read, I feel anyone who is currently in a relationship or looking to be in one, would find this book extremely moving and invaluable.  We all need to be reminded how precious life is and the importance of not taking life or relationships for granted.  I applaud Janice for share-ing her love story and for describing her raw emotion of grief.

This past week at work, days after reading Janice’s book, I also had the privilege of being witness to a love shared by an elderly couple.  I was asked to make a visit to a patient who was experiencing increased restlessness, a symptom that often accompanies approaching death.  While performing reiki on this 88 year old man, he calmed considerably at the onset of the session.  His wife who has dementia entered the room, escorted by a health care provider.  The wife fumbled through the raised bed rails attempting to reach her husband.  As she commented on the “lovely music” that I had playing, I instructed the caregiver to lower the bed rails so the wife could give her husband that long awaited kiss.  I then invited her to sit with him as I continued the reiki session.

Looking back on this, I think the family may have been worried about how she might react to seeing her dying husband.  I’m not sure why I felt so confident that this woman needed to be with her husband at this moment, as the family voiced concern that she had not eaten or taken her medications even though she said she was not hungry.  She clearly wanted the opportunity to sit with her husband and listen to relaxing music.  Normally I would not be so persistent at a first meeting, but I guess I intuitively knew that with a limited amount of time remaining, this was a sacred opportunity not to be missed. (Later the family would be thrilled at the outcome.)

Once sitting by her husband’s side, she buried her head into his bare, heaving chest as he labored for each breath.  She somehow got her arm entangled with his as she stroked his face, nearly dislodging the nasal cannula which carried oxygen to assist with his breathing.  In a restless moment, his arm made its way around her shoulder.  I quickly held it securely in place as she melted into what we both knew would be their final embrace.  As I wrapped my arms around them both, continuing to send them reiki, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of privilege to witness the love they shared.  Tears streamed down my face as i carved this image into my psyche, praying that I would never forget this sacred moment of love, laced with the pain of loss.

I am humbled by the human experience of love and loss!  Blessings to you all……..