We have spent the past few sessions talking about persona vs. shadow. Everyone harbors secrets/shadow and as a pastoral counselor, it is our job to help people bring their secrets (conscious or subconscious); their shadow side out into the light. We learned that in the gospel of Thomas (one of the books that did not make its way into the bible) lies a biblical mandate for counselors: ‘If you do not bring out what is within you, it will destroy you. If you do bring out what is within you, it will heal you.’ I believe these were the words of Christ.
I like to think that my persona is that of a compassionate, caring, positive, and enthusiastic person. I am a seeker of truth, a hospice nurse, a bereavement counselor, healer, mother, daughter, wife, aunt, sister, and friend. My shadow/secret is my fear of depression, fear of making a mistake, fear of judgement from others, fear of being seen as or feeling stupid or inadequate. It was these very fears that were at the root the clinical depressions I struggled through during my forties. Mental illness is not something one brags about. Another life long fear I once had was that people would think I was crazy.
My father was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when he was in his forties. I have never seen anyone suffer as much as my father did over the next forty years of his life. His death was the only relief from his suffering. When I began experiencing symptoms of this often crippling disorder, it literally brought me to my knees. Because I was resistant to medication and found little help from psychotherapy, I decided to become my own therapist by getting a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. Every paper I wrote was about myself with my most healing paper entitle, “Depression and the power of prayer”: a 25 page paper for my course on Brain function.
Perhaps the reason I love Mark and Bob’s image of the boat either being in the bay/inlet or the ocean, is from my own personal experience of clinical depression. I have always said that as much as I loathe depression and avoid it like the plague, it has been my greatest teacher. I know all too well what despair feels like; to be in my boat during the storm, all by myself, in that vast, turbulent ocean. I also know what it feels like to feel safe and confident in the inlet one minute; feeling euphoric, knowing the meaning of my life and my calling to minister to others; that feeling of being able to do or be anything I choose…..only to be thrust into the ocean with my boat capsizing and being left to sink or swim. I have become a superb swimmer and have learned that my life depends on the care of my soul! (another reflection paper)
When I share my experience of depression with others it is amazing how much freer they are to open up about their experience of depression. It is as though I have given them the freedom to be heard and understood, without judgement. As Bernie Siegel says, “You don’t send an able bodied person to walk in and tell a paraplegic what his options are……..you send in someone in a wheel chair”. Unless you have walked in someone else’s shoes or have had a similar experience, you do not know what they are experiencing. It is a comfort to us all to know that we are not the only boat at sea. Blessings to everyone as you journey through this life; may you have the courage to bring forward that which lies within……..
The Miracle of Hospice 