Reflection paper #3 pastoral training program

As we learned in the first session, we recall images better than thought.  One of Dr. McKinnley’s favorite image is that of a small boat in the bay verses the ocean.  The small boat in the bay feels secure in its protected, calm environment.  The shore line can be seen with other boats close by and the waters are calm and predictable.  This is a representation of ourselves during our younger years when hopefully our needs are met and we feel cared for.  As we get older and go out into the world, we find ourselves still in the small boat but now in a vast ocean often with no land in sight and no other boats.  Something happens for most people in life for them to realize that being in the calm waters of the bay is not what life is really like.  When an event such as loss of a job, divorce, or death occurs, we find ourselves in this tiny boat afloat in a turbulent ocean, often feeling alone and swept away by the waves and wind.  Our jobs as counselors, as well as a compassionate friend or relative, is to be another boat in the vast ocean that comes along to lend a helping hand: to say ‘hang on’….The key, of course, is to not jump into someone else’s boat in an attempt to save them, but instead to reassure them that they are not alone.  We are all small boats in a large ocean.  At different times in our lives the waters are more turbulent than others.  The waters can be calm in one moment, and turbulent in the next.  We have a tendency to look around our immediate environment assuming everyone around us is in the inlet, safe and secure, when probably more times than not, they too are floundering in their own small boat on that vast turbulent ocean.

Our instructor for session 3 was Bob Henderson who took the boat image to a new level.  Bob describes the ego as the boat.  You might wake up one day feeling in control of your life: that you can do anything you set your mind to.   Perhaps your boat has been in a small, safe, predictable world.  One day something happens to you, like losing a loved one , and you find yourself in that small boat now in a massive ocean where everything has changed.  The wind is blowing and you can no longer control your boat.  You discover something about ego when you hit the ocean.  Rather than knowing everything: you find yourself knowing nothing.  The ego gets stronger because it finds a way to get through the storm.  When we help the ego get stronger, a person gets to know themselves in a different way.  They realize they have strength and coping skills they might never have known they had.  Before this storm, they may never have known anything about themselves or their boat.  They may need to learn who they are and what their capacities are.  In grief work, I find this spot on, especially for those who lose a spouse.  Whether we spend 2 years or 62 years with a life partner, we have a tendency to create our identity around that person.  Often we take their roles in the relationship for granted.  One of the men in my grief group continues to struggle 2 years after his wife’s death with the burdensome choirs of cooking and cleaning the house.  His wife had always made these choirs seem so effortless.  I believe he still feels some guilt around not honoring all that she brought to the relationship that he had just taken for granted.  We all have something to learn from the devastation of grief and top among them is to not take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted.  We all need to learn to be in gratitude for that which we have as it is all very temporary.  Only the things that concern the soul are eternal.

In closing our 3rd session with Bob, we learned that to reach out for help needs to be taught as a strength; not a weakness.  Our culture has a tendency to see asking for help as a weakness which is not true.  It takes amazing strength to walk through the doors of a grief group for the very first time or to pick up the phone and ask for help.  I applaud each and every person who has the strength to do that.  It is so helpful for grieving people who come to a group to see that there are other boats in the ocean with them.  They are not alone.  They might not be able to see the shore line, but at least they know there are other boats beside them weathering a similar storm.  Blessings to you all whether your boat is in the bay or the ocean: turbulent or calm; know that you are never alone!